The FunSuckers of Stalag13
by Toerkel and the Midget
Summary: Warning. Those with little or no sense of humor should not read this story. Those who are incapable of laughter should get their funny bones checked out. Sorry if we offend thee!
1. Chapter 1

**The Fun-Suckers of Stalag 13**

A story by Midget and Toerkel

Edited, Revised Commentated By Pan and Re-edited by Soup

INTRODUCTION 

: Authors' Note :

This story is full of references and allusions not directly related to Hogan's Heroes, although we could probably come up with a connection. Also, there are _a lot_ of inside jokes. If you don't get it, we forgive you. It really isn't your fault, but we know you're sorry anyway.

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_ denotes Editor's comments _

**bold denotes Editor Editor's comments**

_Editor's Note_

_I edit and fixy the thingys. So if anything appears odd, refer to me. Or I may just mess with Midget and Toerkel's heads and screw with the story… You never know… Bwahaha. Ha. Ha. I also give legal advice._

**Editor Editor's Note**

Midget told me to read this cool story. I could not get all the way through it because of the atrocious number of errors. I love you Pan, but your editing skills are a little lacking. Hope you enjoy this now error-free and polished epic.

:Disclaimer:

We, Midget and Toerkel, do not own Hogan's Heroes, as much as we would like to. If you read the story, you will probably recognize allusions to other literature, movies and music, such as quotes and lines from the movie "Father Goose" and the Beatles' song "She Came in Through the Bathroom Window". We don't own those either. However, we want to, and probably will someday…when Toerkel's plans work out. All material, with the exception of the above, is property of Midget Toerkel Inc. Do not copy or reproduce in any way without the authors' permission. Violators will be prosecuted. See copyright on last page

And now… 

_Midget and Toerkel present, with the assistance of Pan and Soup:_

The Fun-Suckers of Stalag 13

**Chapter 1: This Sucks!**

Once upon a time, there was a Papa Bear by the name of Colonel Robert Hogan. Col. Hogan had four cubs: Sergeants James 'Kinch' Kinchloe and Andrew Carter, as well as Corporals Peter Newkirk and Louis LeBeau. They lived happily in Luft-Stalag 13 in Hammelburg, a P.O.W. camp right in the heart of Germany.

Life in Stalag 13 was uneventful. Col. Hogan ran a sabotage unit and did everything that the Allied Headquarters wanted.

We take you now to Barracks 2, where our heroes are sleeping off a hangover from Newkirk's birthday celebration.

"Raus! Raus! Everybody out for roll-call!" called their obese guard, Sergeant Hans Shultz.

"Oh come on, Shultzy! Give us 10 more minutes. I got a bleedin' 'eadache!"

"Englishman, why do you have a headache? Are you sick?"

Hogan came out of his office. "We all have headaches. Do you _really_ want to know why?"

"No, I do not. I want to know nothing! NNNOTHING!"

"Mission accomplished Shultz. Come on, fellas; let's go wish our Kommandant a 'Guten Morgen'."

The prisoners rolled out of their bunks, clutching their heads (or in Carter's case, his stomach). Blinking, they stepped into the sun.

"+One, two, three, four….+" Shultz counted our heroes repeatedly for insurance that they were there. Kommandant Klink came to the porch.

"Rise and report!"

"All the prisoners are present and accounted for."

"Excellent. Allied P.O.W.s, I am happy to inform you that der Fuhrer is coming here to Stalag 13."

All the prisoners looked at each other in shocked silence. They soon began yelling at their beloved Kommandant.

"You're joking!

"That #013? Here?"

"Diiiis-missed!" shouted Klink over the din.

Our heroes walked in shock and horror back to their barracks.

A/N and Disclaimer: We don't own "The Lion King", "The Princess Bride", or Hitler. It would be nice though_….Indeed_ **What would you do with them? **Not let others use them, sell them at a million times their value, but the Beatles's songs back from the idiot, Michael Jackson and give them back to Paul and Ringo.

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	2. Editor's Note

Giggles nervously

Hehe… It may be awhile before I finish getting this story up.

Bows

Gomen Nasai… (Sorry)


	3. Shock, Shock, Horror, Horror!

**Chapter 2: Shock, Shock, Horror, Horror  **_My Phrase! I'm gonna sue! Or not _

All the men were down in the tunnel. They had just radioed London about Hitler.

"I think we should knock him off and not wait for London's permission," said LeBeau.

"Yeah. This may be our only chance to bloody kill 'im," Newkirk responded, agreeing with LeBeau for once.

Kinch replied, "Hold it, fellas. We're waiting for London's response. If they say no, they'll have a dmn good reason as to why."

"They may not want to make him into a martyr. There _are_ other leaders in Germany," stated Hogan.

"Yeah! Like this one time, there was a beehive under the eves in our house and my dad killed the Queen thinking they all would die and then the bees were smart and got another…." rambled Carter.

"Carter!" Hogan yelled, trying to get the young man's attention.

As time passed, they left one by one, except Kinch and Hogan.

'My God, I had too much to bloody drink last night. There's nothing left to ward off the hangover with!' Newkirk thought as he made his way to the latrine. 'Oh, I think I'm going to be bloody sick.' Newkirk arrived at the latrine to a very long line. He thought about it, and realized that if he opened his mouth he'd be sick everywhere. So he walked up to the tiny "window" and crawled in. He fell over on the other side and heard a clattering. It sounded like a bomb going off in his head.

"Newkirk, what's this?" asked Carter. "It looks like a piece of FLAK."

"It's me spoon."

"No it's not."

"Yes it is! My mum was deathly ill, so my uncle spooned gin down her throat. It made her so strong, she bit the bowl off the bloody spoon. She gave me what remains for protection. Now, if you'll excuse me, my own gin tends to make my stomach weak."

Newkirk left for the porcelain goddess, and left Carter standing there dumb-founded and confused, as usual.

In the tunnel, the radio started chirping, and Hogan and Kinch lunged for it, upsetting their game of chess. Kinch got there first.

"Papa Bear here. Go ahead, Mama Bear," Kinch wrote down the message and grimly handed it to Hogan.

"Burnt Pancakes! Get the guys down here". Kinch scurried up the ladder to round up our heroes while Hogan read and reread the transmission.

After a few minutes, the guys filed in.

"What's up, Col?" asked Carter.

"He has a transmission, stupid," said LeBeau. "Now shut up and let him read it, stupid farm boy ."

"Umm, thanks, LeBeau. I think," said Hogan. "This is what London says, and I quote, 'We are referring you to two new contacts, 'Snegurochka' and 'Vasilisa'. They are in charge of this operation and will explain everything. They have proved to be able contacts in the past. Watch out for 'Snegurochka'- don't make her angry!'"

"One of them's a girl!" cried Newkirk with obvious delight.

"Cool it, Newkirk. 'Vasilisa' might be her husband," replied Hogan.

"'Vasilisa' is a girl in a Russian fairytale, and in 'Snegurochka's' fairytale, she literally has no heart," said Kinch.

"I can fix that," responded LeBeau confidently.

"I doubt it Louis. These are Russian names," said Kinch.

"But Marya's Russian!" defended LeBeau.

All the men groaned simultaneously.

Carter stated "Vasilisa is a story about a brave and beautiful girl-"

"I like this story already!" interrupted Hogan.

"Like I was saying, she had a little Matroshka doll and her mother's blessing. With these, she defeats Baba Yaga and her evil stepmother. She ends up marrying the tsar."

"Okay, so there's hope for 'Vasilisa'," said Newkirk.

"How do you know this, Carter?" asked Kinch.

My Grandmother was Russian. She immigrated when she was six. She told me Russian Fairytales all the time. Then she died the day before I enlisted. That was a week of many emotions. Especially with Pearl Har-."

"Carter!"

A/N and Disclaimer: Umm, we don't own, obviously, Hogan's Heroes, nor do we own "She came in through the bathroom window" by the Beatles, _Bang bang Maxwell's silver hammer came down upon her head… Sorry, wrong song _My Fair Lady, the Princess Bride, or any Russian fairy tales.

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	4. More 'Good' News

**Chapter 3: More "Good" News**

A little while later, the men were up in the barracks playing cards and the like. The door opened.

"Col. Hogan! The Kommandant wants to see you!" yelled Shultz.

"I'm right here, Shultz."

"Oh, Col. Hogan, the Kommandant wants to see you."

"Okay, Shultz."

The pair made their way to the Kommandant's office.

"Guten Morgen, Frauline Helga," said Hogan.

"Guten Morgen."

Hogan came up behind her and began nuzzling her neck. "What does the bald eagle want today?"

"I'll tell you if you answer one question correctly," murmured Helga.

"Ask away."

"Col. Hogan, will you still need me, er, will you still feed me, when I'm sixty-four?"

"Ummm…."

"Your hesitance has revealed all," She stepped away from him. "The Kommandant will see you now."

'Dmn, can this day get any worse?' thought Hogan. He began to greet the Kommandant "Good Morning, Komman-an-an…."

"Hogan, you remember Col. Crittendon? He was caught outside camp this morning. I'm trying to get him back to Stalag 12, but in the meantime he is Senior P.O.W. Col. Crittendon?"

"Rodney Crittendon, Colonel, RAF, serial number…."

"Enough!" cried Klink.

'Wow, when it rains, it pours,' thought Hogan.

"Dissssmissed!" shouted the Bald Eagle.

A/N and Disclaimer: Okay, we still don't own HH or the Beatles, so we definitely don't own "When I'm Sixty-four". Gosh, Toerkel, we sound awfully poor! _You are. You are poor high school students who, until recently, didn't have a job. Now Toerkel does. _

Pan, stop revealing information or we shall reveal information about you!


	5. Burned Pancakes!

**Chapter 4: Burned Pancakes**

All our heroes were in the tunnel, escaping from Col. Crittendon.

"Col., can't we just kill him?" complained LeBeau.

"No LeBeau. Sorry."

The radio began humming.

"Papa Bear here, go ahead Mama Bear," said Kinch.

"Contact codes for 'Snegurochka' and 'Vasilisa'. Will be at the Hammelburg Hotel in Hammelburg, room 216 in two days. Recognition code as follows: 'What happens next?' 'A dance with my windshield wipers.' 'Love will find a way.'."

"Papa Bear copies. Over and out."

Hogan asked no one in particular, "Why are the codes always so…so…."

"Asinine?" tried Carter.

"Yes, asinine."

"Wow, Andrew. I didn't know you knew such a big word," Newkirk said.

"Well, yeah. In fourth grade, I started memorizing the dictionary and I got all the way through 'castrate' before I stopped."

"Carter, do you ever shut-up?" asked LeBeau.

"Don't answer that!" Hogan said quickly.

A/N and Disclaimer: I don't think we broke any other copyrights, other than HH, but just in case, we don't own the Hammelburg Hotel_. Do not sue, they has nothing. I'd_ _probably have to pay…_ **Wow, the supposed editor uses some _interesting_ grammar. **Who asked you anyways? Oh yeah, the Midget….


	6. Two Days Later

**Chapter 5: Two Days Later...**

Hogan and Newkirk, our two heroes meeting their contacts, rushed into the Hammelburg Hotel. When they received strange looks, they slowed down to a brisk walk as they made their way to room 216.

Hogan knocked on the door. He heard a voice from inside asking "+What happens next+" Newkirk responded "+A dance with my windshield wipers.+" A second voice stated "+Love will find a way.+" The door opened and our heroes entered.

"Hello," said the voice who had spoken first, "I am Vasilisa. This is Snegurochka."

"Hello, it's nice to meet you," said Snegurochka.

Newkirk reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a bottle of champagne. "Hello, ladies. Would you like something to drink?"

"Newkirk," Hogan warned. To the women he said, "I am Papa Bear. This is one of my cubs."

"Where did you get that bottle?" asked Snegurochka.

"Just leave it to ol' 'sticky-fingers' Newkirk."

"Okay, you may want to sit down. What we are going to tell you is going to come as a shock," said Vasilisa.

"-We're going to tell them now-" asked Snegurochka.

"-They have to know sooner or later-" Vasilisa responded.

Hogan and Newkirk sat in silence and confusion.

"Sorry," said Snegurochka, switching back to English.

"You're not going to believe this, but… Hitler is really one of our agents," Vasilisa continued.

"What are you two smoking?" asked Newkirk after a moment of shocked silence.

Snegurochka answered, "I assure you, we aren't even smoking cigarettes."

"Then what is Hitler on?" wondered Hogan.

"Pot," said Vasilisa.

"I see. Well, we need to be going," said Hogan, "The rest of my cubs are waiting for me."

"Oh, Col., can't we stay a little bit longer?" asked Newkirk. He approached Snegurochka and began to embrace her. She promptly kneed him in his manhood. Vasilisa burst into laughter.

Even Hogan was laughing. "Come on, Newkirk."

"But Guv'nor!" Newkirk gasped.

"Newkirk, you were warned that they were dangerous…" Hogan walked out, with Newkirk hobbling along behind. Once they got outside, Hogan finished "…not that I wouldn't mind spending the night with either of them."

Newkirk replied, still gasping with breath, "I wouldn't recommend 'Snegurochka'."

Back at camp, Newkirk was telling our heroes about their newest contacts. "Vasilisa had brown hair, almost auburn, I'd say. She was 5'3. Her eyes were blue, and she had a peaches and cream complexion. They both had perfect hourglass figures."

"How could you tell?" asked the naïve little Carter.

"Andrew, trust me. I know an hourglass figure when I see one. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, Snegurochka was about 5'7", with blond hair and greenish-brownish eyes."

Hogan came into the tunnel and interjected, "And good legs."

"No," disagreed Newkirk, "I'd say Vasilisa had better…oh."

"What?" asked LeBeau.

"Newkirk tried to embrace Snegurochka, and she kicked him hard, where it hurts," Hogan explained.

"Ouch! But London _did_ say not to make her angry," said Kinch.

" 'ow could a little lovin' make anyone angry?" wondered Newkirk.

"Maybe she wants to wait to get married…before…you know…" said Carter, blushing.

"More than likely, they're married." said Kinch.

"No, there were no rings on Vasilisa's finger, and Snegurochka had too many rings, at least two on every finger," said Hogan.

"Maybe they just want to wait until the war is over," said LeBeau. "Poor things. I wish I could comfort them."

"LeBeau!" exclaimed Hogan.

A/N and Disclaimer: We, to reiterate, don't own HH, Russian fairy tales, or the Hammelburg Hotel. _No Suey Usy._ **Or me, because I just proofread.**

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	7. Back At The Hotel

**Chapter 6: Back at the Hotel…**

"Sneg! That was so funny! You do realize, now he may not be able to have children," said Vasilisa.

"Just weeding out the gene pool," came the response.

"He wasn't _that_ ugly!"

"How should I know? I don't find anyone attractive," said Snegurochka.

"Except Lenin."

"So?"

"So…he's dead!"

"Your point?"

"I quit. Have fun on your honeymoon." Vasilisa shuddered involuntarily.

"Honeymoon? The moon's made out of honey! Shweet… I am so going there someday…."

"Actually, it's made of cheese, stupid."

"I like cheese. Mmmm, cheesy honey."

"Shut up."

Snegurochka turned onto Vasilisa and began pummeling her.

"Stop it!"

Snegurochka paused and Vasilisa continued, "I'm going to take a shower before the blood gets all crusty."

"Yeah, that's advisable. When you're done, I'll rip your hair out to save you the trouble of drying it!"

"Gee, thanks, Sneg. It's great to have a friend like you looking out for me," responded Vasilisa, rather sarcastically.

"That's what I'm here for! Mmmm, cheese." Snegurochka stared out the window at the moon, drooling.

A/N and Disclaimer: You do realize that this is actual conversation had by your beloved rulers, I mean authors, after a Russian test. **You guys make some awesome HH characters!** Uhh, да, we don't own HH (though we don't think they were even mentioned by name), the moon, or Lenin: dead or alive. _I think NASA owns the moon. I don't know who owns Lenin _The commies, duh


	8. Da Big Boss Arrives

**Chapter 7: Da Big Boss Arrives: **

Early in the morning, Shultz roused the four cubs and their Papa.

Hogan asked, "Shultz, isn't this the day Hitler arrives?"

"Yes it is. And the Kommandant wants you on your best behavior. That means no monkey business!"

"Of course, Shultz! Do you expect anything less from your favorite prisoners?" said Kinch.

"Col. Hogan, please keep your prisoners in line."

"They not my prisoners…talk to Crittendon."

"Your men don't listen to him. Please, Col. Hogan."

"Awright, Shultz."

The men stood grimly in ranks. The gates opened and a black Gestapo car drove into the camp.

Carter muttered to no one specifically, "Look at the beautiful Gestapo

car."

The car door opened, and Hitler climbed out. All the Germans saluted. Hogan would have led his men in catcalls, but 1) this was one line he wasn't gonna cross and 2) he knew the truth. Suddenly, Marya got out of the car and took Hitler's arm. Hitler waved at his Germans and they went inside the office.

Klink called across the compound "Diiis-missed!"

Hogan gathered his men. "Keep Crittendon out of his office." They went into Hogan's old barracks and plugged in the coffeepot.

"Sir, I still don't understand why you want to see my senior P.O.W," said Klink.

"Does der Fuhrer need a reason for anything?"

"No, of course not, mein Fuhrer," groveled Klink.

Shultz brought Crittendon to Klink's office.

When he walked into the office, Marya said "This isn't my darling Hogan…." She looked into Crittendon's eyes. "He's…beautiful!"

Crittendon just stood there staring at the beautiful woman before him. "I don't believe we've been introduced," he finally managed to spit out.

"This is Marya. Marya, this is Col. Crittendon, new senior P.O.W.," introduced Klink.

"Call me Masha," said Marya.

"Mashenka, I think I love you!" said Crittendon.

Hitler began shouting, "I want to see Col. Hogan! Get him NOW!"

"Yes sir, sorry sir. SHULTZ!"

"That's my cue," Hogan stood up, straightened his jacket, and ran his fingers through his hair.

Shultz entered the barracks. "Col. Hogan!"

"Coming!" he shouted. To his men, he said, "See you later."

Hogan entered Klink's office. "So this is The-Little-Corporal-Who-Could! Nice to meet you."

"Klink, Marya, you," Crittendon looked up, "You're dismissed," said Hitler.

Marya and Crittendon walked out in a daze. Klink walked out in confusion.

Hitler turned to Hogan. "What happens next?"

"A dance with my windshield wipers."

"Love will find a way. So you are Papa Bear."

"I was fooled by the job description," quipped Hogan.

"Weren't we all. I need to talk to you. There is a convoy of troops coming by here on their way to the Russian Front. I need you to stop them. By whatever means necessary," said Hitler.

"Even death?"

"If it comes to that. There are also some bombs aboard the train that could win the war for the fascists. I want them gone."

"You're trusting me?"

"So it seems."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why…everything?"

"You must understand."

"That will be a little hard."

"The Jews killed my mother when I was at summer camp. I thought my father was dead, but later, I got in a knife fight with someone wearing a black cape and helmet. After an epic battle that should be in the history books but isn't, I cut off his hand. He told me that he was my father. I've never been the same!"

"So…?"

"I found a release in pot. But it gave me strange side effects… I began believing in a perfect race. One that looked nothing like myself, even! I rose into power and began taking over. As of late, I've been going to 'Potheads Anonymous'. There, I met John, Paul, Richard, and of course, Georgie. They taught me that I need to love. So I contacted some underground agents and found myself here."

"I need to sit down," was all Hogan could think to say.

A/N and Disclaimer: It's quite odd that we can make fun of Star Wars and Hitler in one story. We don't own either, though. Uhh, we still don't own HH or the Beatles- if you missed that, we pity you. _I beg forgiveness, O great George Lucas _ No, Pan the Beatles allusion. Coincidently, are you related to Peter Pan (which we don't own)? _Uh, no. Pan the Greek God of Chaos…Didn't you know that?_


	9. Oops

Hi! Poster here again. Erm… There's been a slight error in my postings. I seem to have screwed up in the naming of the chapters. And when I went back to fix them, bad things happened. So… Gomen nasai _Bows_ I should have it fixed by Saturday afternoon.


	10. Meanwhile, in Crittendon’s office…

**Chapter 8: Meanwhile, in Crittendon's office….**

Marya and Crittendon had kicked our heroes out. Crittendon and his new love sat on the bunk, talking.

"So, I'm getting transferred back to Stalag 12."

"Why don't you get a gun and escape from the truck?"

"Capital idea, my dear!"

"Da, I could wait for you here, and then we could run away!"

"Oh, yes, then off to jolly ol' London."

"Most Glorious!"

"Marya?"

"Yes?"

"I know I just met you, but… Will you marry me?"

A/N and Disclaimer: Were actually not doing anything illegal in this chapter (aside from smoking heroin (inside joke) and using HH). _Yeah. I just hang out with them_ **I'm** **not sure _I_ want to hang out with them anymore. Just kidding, of course.** Better be!


	11. Klink and Shultz

**Chapter 9: Klink and Shultz**

Klink and Shultz were standing in the antechamber.

"What do you suppose they're talking about?"

"I don't know, Herr Kommandant. Maybe we should ask the prisoners?"

"The prisoners? Why should they know anything?"

"Col. Hogan seems like such a smart man."

"Uhh, Shultz? Hogan's in there."

"Maybe we should ask Col. Crittendon?"

"That goody-two-shoes doesn't know anything!"

"What about Marya?"

"That filthy beast? She only thinks about seducing our generals."

"So, we wait."

Klink just looked resigned.

A/N and Disclaimer: Let's see…we know we broke another…oh, we don't own dialogue from the classic movie "Father Goose"…or HH. _Why me?_ **Good question.**


	12. Meanwhile, underground…

**Chapter 10: Meanwhile, underground….**

"So Hitler's one of us," said Kinch.

"I don't believe it," responded Newkirk

"I say we trust him," said Carter, putting his two cents in. "I mean, especially if he has a drug problem. It takes a lot of guts to confess that. I know, because my older cousin, Katie, had some trouble with heroin. She smoked it all the time!"

"Carter!" said LeBeau.

A/N and Disclaimer: Okay, still don't own HH, but honestly, do you truly think the real owners would read and write this kind of, umm, literature? Wait, we would, never mind.

_ Oy. References to Midget's 'issue'. That's a lawsuit _


	13. Meanwhile, in Klink’s Office…

**Chapter 11: Meanwhile, in Klink's Office….**

"So we won't blow up the train. I'll call in a couple of favors and we'll blow the tracks of the surrounding area."

"And then?" asked the Fuher.

"We wait for the next assignment. I have a question for you."

"Yes?"

"How did you meet Marya?"

"She was my first contact. I knew her from her being on the arms of other generals, never suspecting that she... Our relationship is strictly platonic."

"I see. I need to go now. Crittendon is being transferred tomorrow and we're taking two prisoners in exchange."

"Who?"

"A certain Sgt. Pepper and Cpl. Dahl."

"No one I know."

"I figured as much." Hogan left Hitler. He went down to his men in the tunnel.

A/N and Disclaimer: We don't own Sgt. Pepper- he belongs to the Beatles- or Roald Dahl. We don't know what he ranked, but he did fight in WWII (in Africa, but hey). Still don't own HH…. _And aren't we all just sorrowful about that.  _ **Oh, I am.** Good.


	14. Meanwhile, in Crittindon’s office…pt 2

**Chapter 12: Meanwhile, in Crittindon's office…(pt. 2).**

"Yes, my love."

"Yes what?"

"I'll marry you! I've never wanted to marry anyone more in my entire life!"

"Me neither. I love you, my little White Russian, even if you are my enemy." He went to his pack, got a small band-aid, and wrapped it around her dainty third finger.

While he was busying himself, she said, "About that… I'm really a Red Russian. I'm here spying for my cousin, Joe."

"Joe?"

"Stalin."

"So, you're really a good guy?"

"In so many words…yes."

"I love you more each passing moment!"

"The feeling is moochal, my bunny."

A/N and Disclaimer: We still don't own "Father Goose". We also don't own Joseph Stalin or words really, from "Young Frankenstein"; or HH. _Frankenstein!_ **Moochal, by the way, is "mutual", in case you were confused. We really do know how to speak English, though some better than others.**


	15. Tomorrow…

**Chapter 13: Tomorrow….**

Shultz came into Klink's office. "Major Hochstetter is here with the prisoner, Mein Fuhrer, Herr Kommandant."

Hitler perked up. "I want to meet this Hochstetter. He is quite the laughing stock in Berlin. Bring the Jew here."

"He is a Jew?" asked Klink incredulously.

"No, but his mother was."

"Doesn't religion pass through the mother?"

"Yup."

Hochstetter came into the office and saluted crisply.

"So, you're the one sending those reports to Berlin."

"Yes, mein Fuhrer."

"I've inspected this place, and either you're smoking something, or I'm blind," Hochstetter began sweating nervously. "Tell me, Klink. Am I blind?"

"Of course not, mein Fuhrer. In fact, I'm half blind; after all, I do wear a monocle."

"Shut up, Klink," said Hitler. "No more 'Papa Bear' reports. Dismissed."

…_out on the compound…_

Marya, near tears, attempted to put her emotions into words, "You're my bath house, and I'm your tub."

"I get what you're trying to say, love," said Crittendon.

Klink and Shultz stood on the porch, observing from afar.

"Goody-two-shoes and the filthy beast? In love!" exclaimed Klink.

"I think so, Herr Kommandant."

"Why?"

"That, no one can answer."

Hogan approached Marya and Crittendon. "Col., our truck will be waiting for you outside Dusseldorf. Here's a gun."

"Thanks much, ol' boy. Good-bye, Masha. See you soon."

"Good-bye, Rodney, my love."

The truck came into the compound and the two new prisoners got out. Hogan approached them. "Hi, I'm Col. Robert Hogan, senior P.O.W. You're about to talk to our Kommandant, so remember, name, rank, and serial number ONLY."

Meanwhile, Hitler had just noticed that Marya has fallen in love. He started yelling at Klink. "But I'm Hitler! I am hot and I am sexy! Why doesn't she love me?"

"All's fair in love and war," responded Shultz, "and who can tell with Russians?"

"And, mein Fuhrer, aren't you married?" added Klink.

"Sure, but I'm not dead!"

A/N and Disclaimer: We still don't own HH or Father Goose, nor do we own the Russian song, Зайка Моя-oops- zaika mya (my little bunny). Bloody brilliant song, though. _No comment this time around_ **I have a comment: that song is _creepy_. **No it isn't, it's bloody brilliant. What do you know anyways, you're just the editor. Dang, now it's stuck in the Midget's head.


	16. Two Hours Later…

**Chapter 14: Two Hours Later….**

Hogan looked at his men and stated, "Okay, I'm going out with Marya to pick up Crittendon. I'll send them off to the underground. After that, I'm going to lay the dynamite on the tracks. Vasilisa and Snegurochka are working on other tracks, thereby blocking all alternate routes."

"Sounds like you get to have all the fun, Col," whined Carter.

"You'll be having a gay ol' time here, fellas," said Hogan. "First, you'll be in radio contact with me. Second, you, my fab four, will be entertaining der Fuhrer."

"No, mon Colonel!" said LeBeau. "I don't wanna!"

"That's too bad, I'm taking the risks tonight. Now, where's Marya? We must depart."

A/N and Disclaimer: We were pretty good in this chapter, too. Still don't own HH, Russian fairytales, or the Beatles. _Still no comment_


	17. 30 Minutes Later…

**Chapter 15: 30 Minutes Later….**

Hogan parked the truck alongside the road in the woods and began looking out for Crittendon. He said to Marya, "I want to wish you and Crittendon the very best of luck, though I never pictured you getting married."

"Neither had I…I know this seems silly, but in the midst of this war, I'm now very happy. I hope you find happiness too. You just need to find a girl with enough spirit."

"I don't want to get married."

"You say that now."

A knocking from Crittendon jarred them from their conversation. Hogan got out of the truck. Crittendon replaced him in the cab and went to start it. But the engine wouldn't start! Hogan got on the two-way radio, "Papa Bear to home plate, come in, home plate.

Coming over the other end, Hogan heard Kinch's voice, "Go ahead, Papa Bear."

"Come give this guy a hand. The carriage won't start."

"Who do you want?"

"The Hitler wanna-be."

"Roger. Over and out."

A/N and Disclaimer: Just the HH copyright infringed here, this chapter does contain a great inside joke, though- see if you can spot it. _Oy. German Beatles_


	18. Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch…

**Chapter 16: Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch….**

Backstage, Kinch approached Newkirk and LeBeau. "Carter's through the tunnel."

"You guys are on in a minute," said a certain Commander Windgate.

"What do we do now?" asked LeBeau.

"Learn to sing trio," responded Newkirk.

A/N and Disclaimer: We certainly don't own The Series of Unfortunate Events, (read the books). Brilliant idea, though. Still working on the Beatles and HH. We also don't own Cmd. Windgate- he actually belongs to I Dream of Jeannie (the Solid Gold Jeannie-hilarious episode); but the actor's name is Robert Hogan, so the Midget couldn't resist using him. _All I have to say is… Oy Gevalt_ **All I have to say is…I'm not surprised. Sorry. I still love you, though.**


	19. Later That Night…

**Chapter 17: Later That Night….**

Marya and Crittendon rode off into the dusky sunset in the car Carter had fixed for them. Our two heroes made their way to the nearest set of tracks.

As they approached the track, they noticed a woman lying across them, crying hysterically.

"Excuse me, ma'am, what's wrong?" asked Carter.

"No one loves me anymore!" she wailed.

"What's your name?" asked Hogan of the beautiful, pathetic creature before him.

"Anna…. I don't want to live!" She was inconsolable.

The two, sensing that this was her fate, moved down the track and began laying their dynamite. They set the charges for a half an hour, and our heroes made their way back to camp.

A/N and Disclaimer: Hey! New infringement! We don't own the book Anna Karinina, that work of genius belongs to Lev Tolstoy, but truth be told, Cody Lbrought it to life and inspired us. Still don't own Hogan, or his heroes. _Russian Class… Oy._ **Hey! I was there.** We still laugh about that, specifically that Stalin was in the engine of the 'train'.


	20. The Next Day…

**Chapter 18: The Next Day….**

Hogan, our mysterious Papa Bear, whistled as he made his way to Kommandant Klink's office. He had gotten rid of Crittendon and Marya in one fell swoop, and Hitler, though now extremely depressed, had finally kicked his pothead ways. Also, he was almost guaranteed no more trouble from Hochstetter. He strolled nonchalantly into the foyer.

"Guten Morgen, Frauline-." he stopped, realizing the secretary before him was not his Helga, who had been cold and distant as of late.

"Hilda," she finished for him.

"Oh. I'm here to see the Kommandant. Is he busy?"

"Yes."

"Oh, okay then." Hogan walked into Klink's office. 'A whole new beginning!' he thought to himself.

Hogan walked in to find Klink, Frau Linkmeyer, General Burkhalter, and Hitler saying their good-byes. Hogan joined in, saying, "Good-bye all! Me and the guys go over the wire tonight."

"Hogaaaan," Klink growled.

"Just kidding, Kommandant. I wouldn't ruin your perfect record…I wouldn't be able to sleep at night!" quipped Hogan.

"Then what are you doing here?" asked General Burkhalter.

"I heard shooting."

"You heard the hunters. It's rabbit season," said Frau Linkmeyer.

"It's duck season," argued the General.

The door opened. "Stop fighting!" said the newcomer.

"Franz!" cried Frau Linkmeyer, running into his arms.

"Gertrude! Where were you?" asked Franz. "I've been looking for you since you I got home," he added.

"Who are you?" wondered Hogan.

"This is General Franz Linkmeyer," said Burkhalter, "and my brother-in-law." With that, he got in on the hug. Klink looked so happy, he could have started doing cartwheels.

And so, we leave our heroes and their adversaries. They all live happily ever after, 'til the end of the war.

A/N and Disclaimer: We don't own the Russian movie "The White Sun of the Desert" or Bugs and Daffy. Also, to reiterate: we don't own (in order of appearance): Hogan's Heroes, Hitler, "The Lion King", "The Princess Bride", the Beatles, any of the Beatles' songs or movies, "My Fair Lady", Russian fairy tales, the Hammelburg Hotel, Lenin, Star Wars, pot, "Father Goose", Roald Dahl, Stalin, "Young Frankenstein", Zaika Mya, The Series of Unfortunate Events, Commander Windgate, Anna Karinina, "The White Sun of the Desert", or Looney Tunes!

We don't intend to undermine Hitler (or Stalin, for that mater) and his terrible regime. But remember, Hogan's Heroes in and of itself is a spoof. It pokes fun at war movies. Hitler was terrible, but if you separate him from his beliefs, fascism is very laughable, as a philosophy (**at least in our opinion**). Adolph Hitler was an awful mad man. Thank you for reading our story. _And So Long, Farewell, Auf Weidersehn, Good Bye! Adieu, Adieu to you and you and you! Doot-de-de-doot-de-dooty_

**The End**

(Don't own the movie, "The Sound of Music", nor the song, "So long, fair well…" Dang, now _that's _stuck in the Midget's head!)

Copyright  2004 to Midget and Toerkel

Legal Matters Dealt With Swiftly and Lethally By:

The Law Offices of Pan, and no one else.

**Except maybe me, the grammar freak.**


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